[Excerpt from TT: 2009-10-11]
[Question] I’d like a little more insight into the whole enabling deal, [how to tell if you are an enabler, and what to do if you are an enabler].
[Michael Entity] There are various forms of “enabling,” but the generality is that this is a state of passive or active contribution to the harm of another person in the guise of support. The most definitive factor in determining if one is enabling, or not, is if your presence is contributing to the harm of yourself, or to the other. We emphasize “PRESENCE,” as it does not have to be an active presence, but can be a passive one, that helps contribute to the harm to yourself, or to the other.
Presence plus Harm equals “Enabling.”
We will further define “Harm” as systematic or sudden reduction in the capacity for choice.
Putting all of this together, one can then help oneself determine if one is “enabling,” if one’s presence is actively, or passively, contributing to the reduction of another’s, or your own, capacity for choice.
If one discovers enabling is in effect, the next step is, of course, to make your choice as to whether to continue enabling, which is a valid choice in itself, to remove oneself from that dynamic altogether, or to take action in a way that contributes to the return of choice for both parties. The key in your next step, then, would be CHOICE, which helps to counter all harmful effects of Enabling.
If one chooses to continue enabling after one has realized that is the dynamic, it will require a reduction of consciousness and a move into a division within the Personality. This is because, however regressive one’s behavior can be, one’s awareness cannot be unlearned. You now KNOW you are enabling, and you choose to continue to contribute harm. This will require a division within, as one part is fully aware, and the other part manages the habitual behavior.
However, that part that is aware will now always be there, and it will most likely not be able to be ignored, however habitual the behavior continues. This is why we say that even the choice to continue can help counter the effects of enabling. In a sudden moment, everything can change, now that this awareness is in place. In other words, many will continue to enable, until they simply cannot.
If you chose to remove yourself from the enabling dynamic, this leaves the other Personality to either find someone else to enable, or to find effective help, or to spiral further into his or her own demise. However, in a situation where one has not only become ineffective in bringing about healing and positive change, but has moved into a dynamic that is actually causing harm to both parties, then the choice to leave is not abandonment.
It is love.
For many fragments, the choice to step outside of the dynamic of self-harm that is generated by another fragment is one of the most difficult, and most loving choices, a Personality can ever make.
It is entirely counter-intuitive to step outside of that dynamic, and often it is met with devestating feelings, but it is a choice that is rooted in absolute love, not only in that it is countering the harm that is built in to the dynamic of enabling, but in that it is a trust in both parties to return to a capacity of choice that is higher than when together.
The choices made beyond that cannot be guaranteed to bring about beautiful results, but the capacity for choice is there.
Beyond continuing to enable, or removing oneself from the enabling dynamic, there is then the choice to take active measures to increase the capacity for choice for both parties.
If this choice is made, it does not guarantee that the one who was enabled will be receptive to this increase of choice, but as one is in a state that is decreased capacity for choice, it is a fair and legitimate choice of another fragment to “intervene,” if possible.
Intervention may, or may not, be received, but the effort to bring this to the previously-enabled fragment’s life is a valid choice, if you choose to do so, and if the resources are there to help you to do so.